| i guess it's best to start with a begining |
[Jan. 12th, 2008|03:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
well i'm back
the only reason is that no one looks here any more
i'd rather no one read this
but the fact i'm sat here typing to post such things on the internet were any one can read it is kinda counter productive to my intentions
i just need to let this shit out
so here goes
on May the 1st 2007 i met a girl
her name was Stephanie
she was a friend of Johann visiting from Gibraltar
she took my hand at kick out time at first floor and we walked and talked in the moonlight.
later we got back to mine and we spent the night together
the next day she left to go to see another friend in Manchester
also on that morning i came to understand that i had had a one night stand with the visiting friend of a friend
i felt like the lowest form of life on this planet
i found a part of one of her earing in my bed and that did'nt help
i could'nt just throw it away or keep it to i seached for the other part
i put it on the top shelf in my halls room and tryed to forget it was there
after two days of feeling this way she returned to derby to see Johann sing at first floor with metaloid
i did'nt want to see her or Johann
i wanted to disappear but johann said i had to come and had recruted people to make me come
i was just hoping to avoid seeing Steph
i went to the gig saw her and said hi but that was all
i left early so i could escape seeing her and being reminded of what i had done
she knocked on my door later that night
she wanted to talk
i showed her a letter i had half written to her exsplaining what i had done and that i was going to write another to johann
she read it and put her arms around me
we spent another night together
for the first time in years i felt happy
truly happy
i gave her back the earing saying how couldn't keep it but she said i could keep it
she was flying back the next day and we exchanged a letter each and phone numbers and emails
her letter was beutiful
i used to read it every day
the earing i pined to a flyer from the metaliod gig
i used to hold on to it and think of her
it always made me feel happy
we took it in turns to phone each other
we texted a lot
when i was in Australia i emailed her every few days and she emailed me back
life was good
i was happy
i got another letter from her
it said what i had hoped for and more
she liked me
she liked me a lot
she said that my letter was the most beutifull thing she had ever read
she said that she wanted to make some thing of us
she said that she would visit me when ever she could and that she wanted to emigrate to england to be near me
i spent the next few minutes doing an ott happy dance to the happiest music i could find at short notice
'Seven Seas of Rhye' followed by 'don't stop me now' both by queen
i turned it up so loud the annoing emo guy in the flat next door filled out an offical compain form against me
but fuck him
i was happy
so happy i exspessed it in physical actions
thats pretty unheard of from me
unfortunetly reality hit and fucked shit up
I phoned her to ask if thats really what she wanted to do and if she really had thought it all through
being away from friends and family
haveing to make new friends here
she said she would think it through carefully
and that was the last i heard on that matter
we stayed in good touch but soon we stopped phoning each other due to the cost
texting slowed and pretty much stopped soon after
emails over facebook was the main communication
but when she quit her job due to stress and over working so she was spending less time on the internet
here is a blog entry from around that time : link
then she texted me saying she wanted to talk to me a
this was around the 21st of September
I feared the worst
i was right : link
the strange thing was that i blamed my self for her putting us on hold
not sure why but hay
Steph had suggested me visiting her around new years at some point and i thought it would be my chance to rekindle us
the whole Gibraltar fiasco was a fuck up
on the day of my arrival she fell ill
she later told me how ill she was but i think it was because she felt she had to i'd come all that way to see her and had spent little time with her
in the end i only spent two days with her on one of those i asked her what she thought of us
she said that she does'nt want to be in a relationship right now as she does'nt like how she is handling relationships right now
my thoughts at the time
................ so thats how it is .........ok
here are your letters and earing i don't want them any more
my thoughts now
you could have told me that weeks ago before i went and spent 205 pounds to visit her at her invitation to be blanked and avoided by her for the duration of my stay
i spent most of the time at johanns and the only reason i got to see her at all was that i would'nt stay at johanns after he left to go to derby
do you have any idea how that feels
to make this much effort to have to thrown back in my face
it's not like she did'nt know that i came to see her and to be with her
she just pushed me away and walked me to the airport
this trip has basicly bankrupted me and all of this could have been avoided
she wasted my time and money
the really fucked up thing it that if she called me tomorrow saying she was visiting london and needed a place to stay i'd offer her my place and spend as much time as possible with her
i'd show her every thing there is to see just to be with her for a second more
fucked up huh?
like a moth throwing it's self against a light bulb
i still have no problem saying i love her because i do
why is my life so fucked up
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|09:13 pm] |
well i've finally got round to saying it
attention live journel
i'm fucking off right now to another blog site
so farewell all
good bye emo shits
remember cut virticly into your wrists for best results
l8er dayz anorexic bitch cakes
don't forget to cut/burn your self for thinking about that doughnut
see you in hell stoners inc
you keep on toating till you world collapses and the clowns come to steal your paper clips and split pins
to those who are the exeptions to my words (ie metal lovers, cider festival goers, non morons, slayer fans need a specil mention, people who i like etc etc )
you know who you are and i hope to see you on the other side
if your in one of the obove criteria click the magic portal words (ei link)
http://www.20six.co.uk/my-world-beyond-jimbob
link now fixed
P.S. the next time the nice people at 20six update my profile and fuck iy up so i lose my back log
i'll kill them
that is all |
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